Peer Pressure Works!

A big shoutout must go out to Herr Keller for this one…it’s 1992, and apparently someone felt the need to prepare a public service message warning the kida to stop with that copying computer games. It’s so delightfully awful it almost defies description. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if black people everywhere decided the horrific rapping in this abomination was the final reason to ignite a race war. Oh, and at about the 3:15 mark we find out that apparently David Crosby is involved in computer game development…apparently he must have done it in his spare time between massive drug use and impregnating lesbians.

Exposure to this video apocalypse has actually inspired me to immediately begin downloading software at once…perhaps whatever game these 2 were playing that seemed to involve nothing more than jackhammering down on random keys with enough force to shake the foundation of structures in Shanghai (I love the fact that they seem generally delighted at buying their own copy of the game WITH a MANUAL. Allow me to recreate that document here…Start game. Smash keys until fingers break. Once bonus ‘rapper’ level is unlocked, proceed with ‘Project Eugenics’.) And where the Hell IS this delightfully balanced multiracial pair, anyway? Was gaming theft from abandoned Science classrooms such a massive issue that they felt the need to produce a video to nip it in the bud?

The absolute worst part of this whole shameful experience is seeing the massive list of large software companies who sunk money in to this turd. Was it all spent on a huge coke binge by the video crew? How the fuck did all of those companies with all of their money produce this clump of shit? Hell, go big or go home! Hire fucking Eazy E to be the ‘rapper’, and threaten to ‘kill any of y’all mofos stealin’ ‘dis shit!’ while firing off rounds in to the air from his 9! The threat of a crazed ex-drug-dealing black man busting off a few caps in or around my ass might actually serve as a deterrent. All this video has convinced me of is the need to convert a de Lorean in to a time machine so that I may travel back to sometime in the 3rd trimester for both of these kids to deliver a vicious kicking to the stomach region of their respective mothers.

Anyway, here it is in all of ti’s glory…I’m off to steal software. Not even stuff I want, just whatever first pops up on the list…yes, it’s theft for pure spite.

Incidentally, I do find myself really hoping for a new version. Maybe the good folks from Sony’s SecuROM division could hire up some C-grade rapper like Souljah Boy to warn us all of the effects of cracking protected software while two semi-retarded children beat the shit out of a joystick.

So, yes, now that James and Janine are parents…Lori was officially the one closest to the birthdate. This simply proves that hating the expectant mother by picking a date weeks past the actual due date is the true path to victory. Anyway, I think everyone who jumped in had said $5 apiece, so we can pool it up whenever and either give it Lori herself or Kelly (so long as he promises not to spend it on dice).

I WAS going to post a followup on the Canadian government, but I find I’m in a good mood…and that would likely change by diving in to the cesspool known as Canadian Parliament. I WILL note how amazing it is that, according to the Conservatives, the economy basically went from ‘Nothing to worry about…buy some stock!’ to ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’ in the time it took for them to nearly be kicked from the seat of power. Oh, and you’re welcome Ontario & Quebec…you keep scapegoating oil as the only environmental issue the country faces while the rest of us subsidize the Big 3 automakers continued production of gas guzzling SUVs in your provinces. Oh, and eat a dick.

And lastly, I STILL haven’t gotten around to watching the UFO TV series yet…I downloaded the first 3 seasons of Top Chef after getting hooked on it during last year’s 4th season…I’m done the first 2 and a third of the way through the 3rd. Once THOSE are done I’ll leap full bore in to UFO and The Wire.

That’s it. Merry Christmas, everyone! That’s all I’m saying…if you choose to be offended by it, that’s your fucking problem.

(Just a quick note here…this actually just started off as me sharing an ‘Evils of D&D’ related religious comic. Then it just sort of kept going. It’s been awhile since I’ve had one of these make it up as I go along blatherings. I hope it’s entertaining).

Most of the poor, bedraggled bastards reading this probably think they have no idea who the Hell that even is. Aaah, but you DO! Ever found one of those ridiculously funny religious comics lying around? Jack Chick is the comedy genius who produces those!

Anyway, I had forgotten all about the guy until he popped up recently on Fundies Say the Darndest Things…and voila, I hit the link to Chickville (verdict :  disappointingly free of chicks). And it didn’t take me long to find just a stupendous example of the funny (among a collection of comics that is not exactly SUBTLE in it’s out and out racism. Seriously, check out the various ones marked in bold as ‘Adapted for Black Audiences’…going from what can be found there, Mr. Chick’s only exposure to black people…or ‘The Negro’ as I’m sure he refers to them…is through reruns of What’s Happening. Oddly, all of the black angels seem to look like a young Muhammad Ali…I’m not sure what to make of that, especially considering the fire and brimstone hurled in the general direction of the ‘Evils of Islam’). Behold…DARK DUNGEONS, where we learn that the dangers of Dungeons and Dragons feature witchcraft and suicide! Oh, and be sure to hit the link for ‘Straight Talk on Dungeons & Dragons’ if you have time and want to spend it making Liam’s ‘Broke my Brain’ face at your monitor. Did you know that ELEVEN people who have played D&D have done BAD THINGS TO PEOPLE?! Astounding! It’s sure a good thing that no man of God has ever, oh, I dunno…raped a boy or anything like that…man would Jack Chick’s face be red if THAT were the case!

(continue reading…)

As thought of by the minds of the Cyanide & Happiness web comic, an…err…’new’ version of Twas the Night Before Christmas.

That is all.

Well, it’s over. A 16 point loss has ended the season of the Horde. Sure, there’s the 3rd place game this weekend, but I really just don’t give a shit. Who cares about 3rd or 4th place? It’s not like there are fucking medals for anything but the win, so it’s just pointless. If I’m not first, it doesn’t matter.

REALLY close game, and seeing as the Horde scored about 580 points, I really can’t fault anybody. Sure, there were a couple of disappointing performances, but it was a good effort all around and it was close, so I just can’t work myself up in to any sort of indignant rage over it.

I figure I’ll do kind of a quick season wrap-up and get that over with, then just forget about this total disaster of a stretch drive… (continue reading…)

No, this isn’t my update on the Canadian political scene, though I will be putting one up when I get the chance to sit down and type it out.

I just read a very interesting story from Men’s Journal Online talking about Iraq from quite a different perspective. Michael Ware is a CNN reporter. He’s spent the majority of the past 6 years in Afghanistan and Iraq. He’s been shot at, attacked, kidnapped, and came about as close to being executed as you can without ending up in a pool of your own blood at the end of it. The troops like him because he gets out of the Green Zone and goes out with them, dives right in to the deep end where he’s in the same mix of bullets they are. He’s also a very fucked up individual. While I have no doubt the story’s sort of been ’sexed up’ a bit, I also have no doubt he probably isn’t exactly a healthy individual mentally. The weird thing is, he almost seems like some kind of war addict. He keeps heading over there trip after trip after trip. He can’t seem to get enough of it. The very thing that’s destroying him inside is the thing he keeps going back to, like he’s stuck in the downward, endless spiral of an abusive relationship. Anyway, I thought it was an interesting article, so I figured I’d share it. (continue reading…)

It’s Week 2 of the playoffs, first game for the Horde. The match-up is with the Zoidbergs. They’re the #6 seed, and upset the #3 Arlington Atomics last week.

QB – With Ben facing the Ravens, it’s all about the Asswipe this week, as he faces the St. Peters Varsity, also known as the Kansas City Chiefs. Zoidbergs has MVP front runner Kurt Warner facing Minnesota, who I hope rag doll him so hard his wife dies. Even (though if she does die, we’re all winners).

RB – This is a little dicey, because several guys are questionable this week. First off, the miraculously NOT injured Steven Jackson. He played well last week, and against the equally ghastly Seattle Seahawks he might actually get a full workload. Washington’s Clinton Portis is also in. I kinda like the fact he lipped off his coach, because he has to prove himself again this week. I also like that he’s playing the St. Mary’s Junior Varsity, also known as the Cincinnati Bengals. For the W/R position, IF Joseph Addai is good to go he plays, because they’re up against the Meredith Heights Pop Warner Also Rans, also known as the Detroit Lions. Otherwise, wideout DaVone Bess is probably slotting in there against the Niners.

Against that, Zoidbergs has Brian Westbrook primed to carve through the Browns defense as easily as a knife through Jon Benet Ramsey (whoa! Classic bad taste!). Detroit’s Kevin Smith should do decently against the Colts. Oddly, he has Arizona’s Tim Hightower against the Vikings, who are as easy to run against as Rosie O’Donnell is easy to stomach. IF Addai plays, advantage me on the basis of that final matchup.

Receiver – Zack Miller gets in the game against New England. Out wide, Moss is in against the Bengals, Brandon Marshall vs. Carolina and Vincent Jackson vs. KC. As already stated, if Addai can’t go, it’s DaVone Bess vs. Miami. If he CAN go, I actually might replace Marshall with Bess…we’ll see. He has Philly’s DeSean Jackson (Cleveland), Minnesota’s Bernard Berrian (Arizona) and the Saints Marques Colston, who already ripped the pathetic Bears Pass D for 44. At tight end, it’s Seattle’s John Carlson (St. Louis). Slight advantage me.

K – Matt Prater stays busy for Denver against the Panthers. For my opponent, San Diego’s Nate Kaeding should put up serious numbers against KC. Advantage Zoids.

Def – DJ Williams might play, but he’ll probably rotate in and out all game, so I’m keeping him on the bench. That leaves the usual crew. I see some opportunities for some serious smash mouth, smack down football games, which I’m hoping equals good numbers. Zoids has already HAD two guys go, and they put up 66. He also has some smash-mouth match-ups, though one of them, London Fletcher, is a game time decision. Slight advantage me.

Yahoo has him favored by 38. He’s also leading by 108. That doesn’t bode well. The way this time took it in the ass down the stretch, I’m not exactly feeling much in the way of faith that they’ll step it up now. I HOPE they do, but I don’t expect it whatsoever.

Yeah, the #1 team last week made a massive comeback and won, so my team DID end up getting the #2 seed, and the Bye this week. So no team (well, that isn’t true…I actually have 3 other teams that are either starting the postseason or finishing their regular season this weekend) this week!

This could actually be quite beneficial. DJ Williams should definitely be back for next week, and he was a tackle machine before getting hurt. As well, there’s talk Washington might sit a very banged up Clinton Portis this week. I selfishly hope they do…it means he’ll be a bit healthier next week when I need him again.

I did make a few moves. Gone is Kellen Winslow for Baltimore tight end Todd Heap. Heap’s been doing well the past couple weeks, and when he’s healthy (as he seems to be now), he’s a terrific receiver. Rian Lindell was cut loose, and I brought back Denver’s Matt Prater. I only cut him before because the Broncos offense went South, but they’re scoring again and he hits kicks from massive distances (which equals massive points). Gone is Leroy Hill for another returning talent (and a real life teammate of Hill’s), Lofa Tatupu. I blame my 3 game losing streak down the stretch on a lack of Samoan influence on the roster. That’s now cured, and Lofa’s been back to his old, running back killing self the last little while. And one more move…gone is Bomber Mo. THIS was my “OK, motherfuckers, you think you’re SAFE? Fuck that! I TRADED for this guy and I just dumped his ass going in to the PLAYOFFS. EARN your spot, motherfuckers!” Coming back is Miami wideout DaVone Bess. He has an excellent name…and as a bonus, he’s been starting since Miami #1 Greg Camarillo got hurt, and has 16 grabs in those 3 starts.

Yes, now that a few days have passed and I’ve vented the initial burst of spleen, I’ve decided to maybe try to write something else about the current state of ‘government’ in the nation of Canada…perhaps even coming off as making a little bit of sense, as opposed to a carpet bombing strike  of rageful 4 letter words that sort of comes off as the rant equivalent of just screaming “AAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!” at the top of my lungs as though I’m part of the subdued cast of 300 2 : Sparta Rises (This raises the question of which current government party leader would play the role of Xerxes, who according to the movie must have had the title Lord of Piercings and Faggotry).

Let’s try looking at this party by party, which is sort of going to mean leader by leader. Declare some winners and some losers, divide up my roiling volcano of anger in to a few smaller lava flows, and hope that results in something somewhat sensible. (continue reading…)

Every single year that I have existed on this planet, I have watched Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, a tradition that will continue tonight (9 PM Mountain Time on CBS). I suspect my love of really bad supermarionation and puppetry probably stems from this special, actually. And who can’t love a show so past it’s prime that it includes such conversation as…

Female character : We want to help!

Male : No…this is man’s work!

That’s fucking gold!

Anyway, in celebration of this annual event, here’s the Youtube video where a scene from Rudolph mixes hilariously well from some dialog from Full Metal Jacket (Hermy the Elf’s ‘war face’ ROCKS).