That title is referring to this absolutely hilarious story from many moons ago. Then San Diego Chargers defensive end Chris Mims attacked a man with a belt, then stole his tacos because he was hungry. The fact he took a guy’s fast food makes me giggle to this day. Sadly, Chris died a couple of weeks ago, but I shall always remember him as the player too cheap to purchase a damn taco, but willing to commit a felony for one.
So, week 9 finds the Horde at 7-1 and STILL in first place. I’m facing the 1-7 Bay Area Knightmares this week, the team I swung the big trade with a week ago. Well, Boldin looked pretty fucking healthy in his first game for them, taking 2 of his 9 catches in to the end zone. However, I fully intend to have the Horde crush his still healing head in to the turf…he probably won’t have any food on him out there, but they can eat whatever he might be holding.
QB – Rivers is off this week, so it’s the Big Ben show. He really struggled last week against a Giants defense that beats quarterbacks for fun (well, and millions of dollars per man). This week he’s against a tough Washington D, but they aren’t known for their constant crushing of passer’s very souls, so I’m hoping for a solid comeback game from him. The Knightmares are putting out Garcia, who is facing the godawful, sub-Pop Warner Kansas City Chiefs this week, which makes him a possibility for about 6000 yards and 37 touchdowns. Definite advantage Knightmares here.
RB – Portis is banged up and facing a tough Pittsburgh run D…he’s also the league’s leading rusher, and has at least 120 yards in 5 straight games. LenWhale also sticks in, since Green Bay is surprisingly bad at stopping the run. At this point, it appears that Joseph Addai WILL be back, so I’m putting him in at the W/R spot. He’ll probably he splitting the carries, but should make up for it with quite a few catches. I would consider Jackson if he improves, but it isn’t looking good at the moment for him to play this week. Knightmares answer with Seattle’s Julius Jones against a tough Philly defense, and Oakland rookie Darren McFadden, who is pretty much a lock to be out this week. As of now, the only other back he has is on a Bye this week. Barring a pick up (and there isn’t much on the waiver wire), he’s down a guy, which is obviously advantage me.
Receiver – Marshall steps back in for Santana Moss, who at this point is a game time decision. That means both Steve Breaston and Antonio Bryant will be staying in the lineup, since Bomber Mo is on a bye, as is Vincent Jackson. Bryant’s been solid (and faces that same ghastly KC D), and with the amount Arizona is throwing this year, Breaston’s still good for decent numbers out of the slot. If Moss looks more likely to play, he could also replace Addai in the W/R spot. Kellen Winslow sees his first action for me at TE, and should make some catches, since he’s also known as ‘The Cleveland Browns Only Reliable Receiver This Year’.
The Bay Area comes back with Boldin, Pittsburgh’s Hines Ward, Colts slot guy Anthony Gonzalez and Oakland’s Johnie Lee Higgins at wideout, with Pitt’s Heath Miller at TE. Boldin’s good, Ward’s good, and Gonzo could do well against a Patriots defense that really can’t cover anyone. Higgins is only a threat on returns. Miller is a bizarre move at this point…when I tried to get his OTHER TE, Chicago’s Greg Olsen, he wouldn’t deal him, saying he had nothing else. Yet, for now, he sits, despite the Bears facing the putrid Detroit Lions, who would be hard pressed to maintain pass coverage on a recliner this year. I expect to see Olsen enter this game.
Still, even WITH him, I still think I have a bit of an advantage.
K – It’s still the Rian Lindell show for me, and he’s good. My opponent has Dallas’ Nick Folk. Dallas is awful right now, and their backup QB, Brad Johnson, is less effective moving them down field on scoring drives than I would be. Meanwhile, he has a BACKUP KICKER (are we starting to see why this guy is 1-7? Has no running backs, but he still trades one to me instead of one of 2 tight ends, and he carries 2 kickers all year???) in Arizona’s Neil Rackers, who faces the pathetic Rams D. Unless he makes a switch, advantage me.
D – Chris Hope joins Bell and Rhodes as me DBs. Joey Porter steps in for the vacationing Thomas Davis, and should get some sack chances versus Denver. DJ Williams is back and steps in for Tatupu, who is playing hurt and questionable (and was noticeably slow last week). Tatupu’s real life teammate, Leroy Hill, stays in, and has been a tackle monster all year, as does Posluzny the Polish Wrecking Machine.
Oh look, it’s castoff Gerald Hayes! Actually, his group of DL isn’t bad at all, but his DBs…again, one of them isn’t playing this week (and his backup isn’t either), and another, Green Bay’s Charles Woodson, is playing hurt. Overall, advantage me, even if he does sub someone in for the off guy.
I’m currently favored to win by 122 points. If the Horde doesn’t win this game, I will immediately commence brutally raping the loved ones of my players (why is it always described as BRUTAL rape, anyway? Is there ever a case of GENTLE rape?).
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