Let’s see if THAT is still an attention getter.

So, tonight was the Canadian leadership debate. It was also the US Vice Presidential Demolition Derby. I chose to watch the local circus, though I WAS tempted by the Southern version, seeing as it offered potential fodder for mocking the blithering idiot that is Sarah Palin. After all, in a followup interview with Katie Couric (hardly noted as a hard hitting journalist), this is a woman who could not answer the question of what political writings she had regularly read prior to joining the McCain Train. She pitifully tried to answer "All of them!", which came off as "I’m a hopelessly illiterate dingbat. Couple that with my seeming complete noninterest in the rest of the world, and I’m the PERFECT choice for VP! Yay!" However, having just read the VP Debate transcripts (yes, I actually did. I’m a sick, sick man), she actually didn’t fare too badly. She was VERY obedient to sticking to a few base points (which I’m sure has been drummed in to her through electroshock therapy by the Republican brain squad all week), thus avoiding any bizarre moments equal to saying that a foreign leader flying overhead equals foreign policy experience. All in all, though, her actually seeming to have a working brains team, and Joe Biden avoiding flying off at the mouth half cocked, is hardly anything that can be called a victory for either side, so far as I’m concerned. As for how honest they were, I’ll wait until Factcheck.org puts up their report and corrections (they are a great resource for monitoring the ‘truthiness’ (Thanks, Dubya) of the US election claims. Truly nonpartisan, they equally slam both sides when they crap all over themselves. I wish the Canadian election had an equivalent).

Like I said, though, I stuck with the local choice. Having watched two hours of these 5 geniuses sitting around a table (Whose idea WAS that, anyway? It was a little strange having the 5 leaders sitting around one big table with the moderator at the head of it. I prefer the format of each having their own lecterns. In THAT style, the cameras are panned back far enough that you can see the reactions of the others whenever one person’s speaking. In this style, they spent half the time staring in to the camera like some cheezy salesman on PVC trying to convince me that EVERY girl loves cubic zirconias), here’s my ranking of how well they did.

In the fifth spot is Gilles Duceppe. I like Gilles. I like the fact that he takes no guff, and I like the fact that he seems to enjoy slapping down anyone who tries to muscle in on his turf…at least, he used to. This year’s version of Gilles was disappointingly muted. He went after Harper, but that was a cliche in this debate. I half expected the cameramen to start shouting him at certain points. He was pretty benevolent towards the others, though. It might make sense politically…after all, Dion is so dead in the water he’s no threat in Quebec, and neither is the NDP. The Green party COULD be, except that everyone in the province knows that they’re in a major battleground region for the Conservatives, so you’re likely to see a lot of voting for the Bloc (to block the Conservatives) or for the Conservatives, and not a lot of in between. Frankly, even IF Duceppe was on his game (if his game is impersonating a rancorous old bastard), he’d still have to come in fifth, seeing as he leads a REGIONAL party, and it’s a NATIONAL debate…therefore, his continued presence in said national debate continues to be nothing short of bafflingly stupid. Oh, and his constant whining about the non-profits of aerospace in Quebec (meaning, Bombardier) make me want to vomit. They aren’t making any profits, genius, because they’re selling their planes at a loss. And they can do THAT because every Canadian taxpayer is subsidizing every fucking sale. Shut up. And speaking of shut up, he was the WORST person of the group for asking a question, then shouting over the person’s answer. Lame, lame, lame. Hop along, little froggy, you shall not become a prince today.

In fourth place, we have Elizabeth May. Early on, she was doing very well…well spoken, good, concise questions and answers…she was really holding her own. However, somewhere around the 40 minute mark, Dr. Jekyll made the transformation in to Mrs. Hyde. I don’t know if her bipolar meds quit working, or what the Hell happened, but the change was rather profound. Suddenly, she became the most egregious example at the table of the babbling idiot who is incapable of stating their case within the allotted time. She was also one of the two worst examples of speaking over another leader’s comments. And a few of her answers went completely out of bounds. When discussing health care, first she talked about what she wanted to do going forward….later, she started talking about how NAFTA had led to problems in the past. Her attempt to have it both ways meant that she really didn’t fully explain either. Her inconsistency leads her to fourth place.

Third…Hello, Stephane Dion! He actually wasn’t too bad tonight. His English still trips him up on occasion, but I was quite impressed with his directness for a good part of the evening…that was a pleasant change from the babbling idiot we’ve seen too frequently in the past. However, there were a few problems. First off, his ridiculous attempts to ‘buddy up’ with the Canadians who were chosen to ask their questions during the debate came off as rather pathetic. Enough…stop sucking up. And, unfortunately, he’s sort of done in a lot of the time by his own party’s past. He was rightly nailed by other leaders on some issues, namely the idea of a National Daycare plan, for throwing out a promise the majority Liberals were rather notorious for promising, then never coming close to fulfilling. He completely failed to realize that the person he really should have been focusing his energy on wasn’t Harper…it was Layton, whose NDP is creeping every closer to possibly becoming the official opposition. The biggest problems I had with Dion, though was the simple…patheticness of the whole thing. Every damn time the cameras focused in on him, he had the look on his face normally seen on death row prisoners resigned to their fate. He knows he’s a dead man walking, barring some sort of political miracle that delivers a Liberal government. Canadians know it, too, and so do a lot of the others in his own party (How you doing, Michael Ignatieff and Bob Rae???), circling him like wolves who’ve found a wounded deer. I almost feel like I’m watching a nature show when I see a Liberal press conference these days, with those 2 standing behind him. Sure, you root for the deer to get away, but the wild Ignatieff and the feral Rae are noted for their viciousness, and if you listen really hard, you can hear them gnashing their teeth.

In second, surprisingly, is Steven Harper. He probably had the toughest assignment tonight, and everyone KNEW he’d have a tough assignment…he’s sitting in the chair that everyone else wants, so they were all focused on him. Would he keep his cool, or would he become the Canadian political version of Mount Pinatubo, and absolutely blow his damn top? Secretly, we were ALL hoping for the latter…let’s face it, rage is fun! However, we got the former. I was actually quite impressed with the way he fended off most of the attacks, though honestly, a lot of them were pretty weak. Note to the other leaders…when trying a frontal attack, bringing a lot of force is a good plan, unless you want your tiny contingent chopped to ribbons. He actually managed to throw out a bit of offence, attacking Dion’s Green Shift (in a way, you almost feel like you’re watching a grown man steal a kid’s lollipop, then beat the crap out of him with a shovel when Harper goes after Dion. Poor Stephane’s so busy trying to see who’s going to try and shove that knife in his back that he doesn’t see that big head kick coming from head on until it’s too late), and hammering right back at Jack Layton fairly well, too. He sort of listened politely to May, although he knows what everyone ELSE knows, that Peter MacKay is probably going to knock her in to next week at the polls. My one huge issue with Steve (aside from the fact that I don’t like him) is when he shoots out these little smirks from out of nowhere. The man’s smile is about as natural as any part of Pamela Anderson. And having it come completely unexpected like that is like a sort of ‘Pearl Harbour of artifice’. Oh, I also enjoyed the part where he claimed to be a big fan of the arts…that was highly amusing.

Now, this brings us to something I never really thought I would type. The winner of that debate was probably…Jack Layton. I’m as shocked as anyone else! He really does pull off that ‘folksy charm’ bullshit better than any of the others do, so this format worked a lot better for him than the lectern one did, where he was sort of this annoying pest who was constantly flailing around for attention like an ADD addled kid off his meds. He kept himself pretty under control tonight, which is more shocking than anything else, since he’s normally Capt. Outburst at these events. He ALSO realized that, as much as he needed to hammer Harper, he needed to hammer Dion, and he made those shots count. "Mr. Dion has just marched in lockstep with Mr. Harper for the last year and a half. If you couldn’t be an effective head of opposition, I’m not sure why you’re even running for prime minister" was the absolute jawdropping bitchslap of the night…partly because it was unexpected from Layton, partly because…DAMN, he’s absolutely dead on RIGHT (Every single person at the table actually looked caught off guard. Harper seemed to be trying not to giggle, while Duceppe seemed angry that he hadn’t gotten to do it). He also avoided his other usual problem of babbling on and on and on and ON, and constantly being cut off by the moderator because he never gets to the point. He was clear, he was concise, he was the Bizarro Layton. I’m half convinced that what we saw as Jack Layton tonight was actually some robotic stand in, programmed to not be a completely annoying tool.

So, I’m voting NDP then, right? HELL no. See, as is typically in a  debate, nobody really truly explained HOW they’re paying for anything, and Layton’s throwing out financial promises like a broken down crack whore turning tricks for a fix. So, where does that leave me? Simple…the write in candidate! I’ve narrowed my choices to two…

1. Alan Thicke. Seriously, who doesn’t want TV dad Jason Seaver as PM? He sort of comes off as a smug douche, so he’ll fit right in at political gatherings. And can’t you see him up there for those ‘candid’ vignettes with other leaders, throwing out hackneyed, awful throwaway lines written by some 19 year old intern for a Happy Meal? Not only would he say them, dammit, he’d SELL that crap!

2. Cthulhu. This is based entirely on the website in the US, cthulhu.org, which is pushing to elect the evil being as president. I fully support his platform…hit that link, and I’m sure you will too!

Will I actually do this? I really don’t know. The truth is, any vote in Saudi Alberta almost doesn’t matter anyway, since the sheep in this self imposed Conservative dictatorship will overlook anything Harper says or does that pisses them off (Can you imagine the fucking outcry if Dion or Layton had suggested controlling trade of raw bitumen, a provincial concern, the way HARPER just did? People would riot! He says it, and none of us fucking retards says a goddamn thing about it), and vote Blue C, so why the Hell shouldn’t I? Ugh.