The Horde Doth Rumble

Indeed it doeth. (Indeed that did sucketh the ass).

So, a little prelim here, as I take a look at my matchup this week, with the Northern Horde facing off against the Pack o’ Pain.

At QB – Big Ben “Eats Windshield For Lunch” Roethlisberger of course starts for me, while my opponent throws out Green Bay’s Aaron Rodgers. Both have high potential for big stats, considering Ben is playing Cleveland, and Aaron is up against Detroit, who play defense in name only.

WR – I’m rolling out Boldin (facing Miami, whose biggest offseason acquisition was an old has been to rebuild the team), Brandon Marshall (fresh off his one game suspension, and facing San Diego), and Santana Moss, who wasn’t great overall, but is up against an average Saints defense missing 3 starters. My opponent counters with Larry Fitzgerald (he’s Boldin’s teammate. I fucking guarantee that every goddamn TD Warner throws goes to goddamn Fitzgerald this week), Reggie Wayne of the Colts (elite level wideout facing Minnesota) and Donald Driver of the Packers, who faces a ‘resembles hot butter’ defense in Detroit. Very close, but I’m going to go with my opponent having the advantage, because Zona QB Kurt Warner hates me (Hey, what can I say, Kurt, sorry your wife’s an obnoxious dyke! You’re the retard who married her…I just relish in pointing it out constantly.), and will intentionally avoid Boldin in favour of Fitzgerald all day.

RB – No change for me, as Steven Jackson (facing the Giants) and Clinton Portis (Saints) start. Jackson’s Rams were as bad as a team can be last week, but New York’s run defense is, in my opinion, a tad questionable, and they kill quarterbacks, so St. Louis needs to run the ball. Portis was reasonable, and faces that same injury-depleted Saints defense. My rival has Pittsburgh’s Willie Parker (guaranteed he will rip me to pieces, simply because he isn’t on my team this year. Well, that and he is a Steeler, meaning he’s playing Cleveland. Shit…he’s going to poach every TD that Ben would normally throw.) and Arizona’s Edgerrin James (again, not a regular starter, but Miami makes EVERYONE look good). I actually think this could be a draw.

TE – Scheffler caught one pass last week…but it was for 72 yards. San Diego is not exactly renowned for their coverage over the middle, so I think he could have a decent day. As for the other guy, the Dolphins Anthony Fasano gets to go because his regular starter, Indy’s Dallas Clark, is hurt. I think I have a definite edge, here, since Miami’s offense doesn’t look like it will be a consistent unit this season.

W/R – I’m going with big, fat LenDale White against the pitiful excuse for a defense Cincinnati plays. My opponent is going with New England’s Sammy Morris against the Jets. I think I have the edge here. Morris splits the carries for the Patriots, and the Jet run D ain’t half bad. Cincinnati last played run defense a good 15+ years ago.

K – Both Pittsburgh’s Jeff Reed (Cleveland) and Green Bay’s Mason Crosby (Detroit) should get a load of points, as both of their teams face laughing stock defenses.

D – I’m going with 5 DL this week, and only 3 DB, to try and maximize tackles, so Paul Posluszny works his awesome Polack name in to the lineup. I’m also bringing in Laron Landry, who completely outdid both Reggie Nelson and Kerry Rhodes (Nelson shall be seated on the bench this week, as will Leon Hall, whose team is facing a running offense, so he’s not too valuable out there on the corner). 1 of my opponent’s DBs (Oakland’s Gibril Wilson) is playing hurt, which should help. Aside from that, it looks like a wash.

This is looking like a pretty goddamn close week. Yahoo has him projected to win by 48.15 points, but Yahoo is also a complete and total fag.

And here we go!

All I can say is…WOW. WOW! Here are the totals for his receivers…18 catches, 298 yards, 2 TDs (helped IMMENSELY by Fasano drawing a big goose egg in every category, except the one labelled ‘Biggest Waste of Roster Spot’, where his score is truly impressive). Here are the totals for MY receivers…37 catches, 534 yards, 7 TDs. Boldin ended up getting every one of Warner’s 3 TD tosses, proving Kurt realizes that I’m right, and his precious God, who tells him to stay faithful to Dykey, is horribly wrong. Brandon Marshall alone scored 108 goddamn points for my team. All of his receivers COMBINED outscored Marshall BY HIMSELF by a whopping 25 points.

His backs, Morris and James, put up 41, which SUCKS (impressively, however, Morris scored a touchdown despite amassing zero net yards on the day). Mine got me 128, and that was with Steven Jackson at one point appearing to break in to the open field, and then tripping over nothing. Either he pulled his vagina on the play, or The Invisible Man can join the long line of people who are haters. Well, fuck him, too. Actually, Jackson’s 7 catches salvaged the day. Portis was awesome, with almost 100 yards and a couple scores. White wasn’t spectacular, but he reached paydirt, so I’ll happily supply him with a trough of donuts. Feast, you magnificent fat bastard!

Aside from his getting a decent day from Oakland’s Thomas Howard (48), none of the defenders for either side has done much. I think I’m going to have to make some changes in this area, because some guys I expected to produce simply haven’t through 2 weeks, and I’m going to need those points to scrape out close weeks.

His QB, Rodgers, had a great day, putting up 328 and 3 scores on 24/38 passing, and getting 27 yards rushing. That’s 51. He also got a fantastic 57 points from his damn KICKER.

Anyway, it all comes down to the Pittsburgh-Cleveland Sunday nighter. My QB, Big Ben, Harrison (probably my MVP last week) and kicker Jeff Reed go. He has Willie Parker and Cleveland linebacker D’Qwell Jackson due up. By my rough calculations, I figure I’m up about 100 points, so if Ben does anything decent, and I get a couple big plays from Harrison, it’s in the bag. I am worried about Parker putting up another monster game, though, because he’s a dick who clearly hates freedom. We’ll see.

Well, with 3 minutes to go, Big Ben’s been quiet, but between he, Reed and Harrison, I’ve got another 70 points, which should have me around 650. Parker and Jackson have about 40 between them, putting my rival somewhere around 520. So, it’s pretty safe to say it’s a win (my numbers will be a little off, simply because NFL.com doesn’t give pass deflection totals, so my defensive numbers won’t be right, and I rounded off the stupid fractions). That will put me at 2-0, and, looking at the other matchups, I should be #1 in overall scoring after this week, too.

I MAY do a little looking around to see if someone could use Philip Rivers at QB…it’s pointless keeping a guy who’s been as productive as he has on the bench for too long, and I drafted him early with a specific idea of moving him anyway. So, we’ll see. Of course, it may pay off to wait another week or 2, as well. As for my defense…Gerald Hayes and Reggie Nelson just are not doing anything big, so I’m going to be looking to swap both of them out for new players tomorrow (I’ll wait a day, because you can’t swap out someone on your active roster, which Hayes is on, until the next day. Also, I can then see the totals for prospective pickups for the first 2 weeks, instead of just seeing last week’s numbers).

Last week, James Harrison was my MVP, and Nelson and Kerry Rhodes were the biggest letdowns. This week…a LOT of guys had big days, but Brandon Marshall putting up over 100 points on his own wins MVP for the week in a damn walk. Biggest letdown…actually, a little tough this week, considering the numbers the team has as a whole. Still, I AM a bastard, and my bastardom requires me to single someone out and make them feel like shit, and the target of my scorn is…Marcus Trufant. 2 tackles? Seriously? 2 TACKLES? Jesus, I was stuck watching that awful, mistake ridden abortion of a game you were involved in, MT…you did not play well. Christ, ISAAC BRUCE, who is roughly the same age as John McCain, blew by you like you were a garden slug! Were you a slug, I would be pouring salt upon your slimy carcass JUST TO HEAR YOU SCREAM! At least THAT, as opposed to your near nonexistence on the stat sheet, might indicate SOME sign you are, in fact, ALIVE! And…is that you laughing over there, Steven Jackson? Seriously? YOU TRIPPED ON NOTHING! And that was YOUR ONE MEMORABLE MOMENT OF THE DAY! Thank your lucky stars you caught 7 balls, or you’d be the one about to face the finger screws!

Anyway, yes…2-0…some decent trade possibilities…things look decent.