The Perpetual Motion Machine Straight to Hades

Yes, it’s election season, ladies and germs! Aren’t you THRILLED! Aren’t you EXCITED! And who can blame you…after all, we get to choose from the same collection of milquetoast rejects who were on the ballot LAST time around.

Yes, it’s Election Time in Canada, and the only people possibly excited are news managers who now have a chance to bump up the CanCon when discussing elections, rather than having Canadian pundits spout off for hours on end about the Bataan Death March that is the seemingly 6 and a half year election cycle taking place in the US (and, really, the fact our election cycle only goes for about 6 weeks is the ONLY aspect of this debacle I can manage to create the slightest bit of joy about).

So far, it’s been a week of apologizing. Apparently, the Tories didn’t realize that producing an ad where the face of Stephane Dion is shat upon MIGHT be construed as offensive, and a bit of an attack. I know, hard to believe that ANYONE could possibly interpret the video that way, yet SOMEHOW some have managed to conjure offence from it. And, unfortunately, innocents are once more caught in the middle, as the dropping of the ad has left gay German scat video fans with one less surrender-mongering Frenchman taking a dumpload in the face to clang the ol’ wang to. Won’t someone PLEASE think of the PERVERTS?! Meanwhile, a Liberal running in Quebec was asked to resign after lamenting the fact that, during the Oka standoff, the Army didn’t go on a Mohawk shooting spree…this of course conveniently forgets the fact that, thanks to Liberal budget cuts at the time, the Mohawks were actually BETTER ARMED THAN THE ARMY WAS.

Aside from that, the biggest ‘debate’ has been whether or not Elizabeth May should be allowed in to the debates. Now, I find it interesting that everyone has attacked Stephen Harper over his assertions that she shouldn’t. In fact, it was reported that 2 of the other 3 leaders ALSO were against it from the start, and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out who they likely were. After all, what does Gilles Duceppe have to lose by having another rival leader whom he can verbally smack around during debate time? Truly, one of my greatest election memories of recent years was during the last debate, as Jack Layton kept pitifully trying to sidle up next to Gilles as some sort of ally, and Gilles responded with all the grace and understanding as a street pimp would display towards one of his bitches who’s been skimming. So, that leaves Layton and Dion, which makes sense if you think about it. Frankly, they have MORE to lose through her inclusion than Harper does, since a major plank of the NDP platform has been the environment for quite some time (and a party whose origins are based entirely on the environmental movement might just steal a BIT of their thunder), and Stephane’s entire election platform thus far seems based completely on his Green Shift plan (I lauded him earlier for actually having the sack to produce a plan, and still do…however, the plan he produced is still a ridiculous load. Seriously, Stephane, Harper and Layton BOTH hate it…the fact they AGREE on their hatred for your plan REALLY should be an indicator for you), so I doubt he’s up for a little competition in that field.

As for me, I say let May in. After all, she proved she was very quick at picking up the game of politics when, within months of promising the faithful she would run a candidate in every riding as part of her platform to be chosen as party leader, she completely broke that promise by signing on to an agreement with Dion that she would not run candidates in 2 specific ridings to help the Liberal chances against the Tories, and in exchange, no Liberal would run against her. Welcome to the Pit of Scum, Liz, you clearly belong as a full fledged member! And let me commend you for so quickly prostituting yourself AND your promises in order to try and cling pitifully to your own tiny base of power!

And, in the end, we’ll be faced with actually having to choose one of these boring, second rate jackasses to run the country. There’s Harper, a man who somehow manages to rule his party with an iron fist and be a complete and total powermongerer and control freak while also being completely and utterly devoid of a personality. Quite an impressive feat, actually. And, of course, he’s already trying to tapdance around the subject of his doing an end run around his own election cycle law that he implemented after winning LAST time. And watching Stephen Harper tap dance around something is about as awkward and painful to witness as I’d imagine watching Stephen Harper attempting ANY kind of dancing would be. Sure, it’d be funny in that “‘Hip’ dad-Urkel’ kind of way, but soon enough, it’s just a pathetic spectacle you wish to stop, or you’ll have to stab out your eyes with your own thumbs before it’s burned in to your retinas.

Then there’s Dion, who would never try stealing candy from a baby, not because he’s too moral, but because he knows that ten minutes after his attempt, the video of that infant curb stomping the living shit out of him would be up on Youtube. Seriously, this limp wristed weakling was the BEST your party could come up with? This guy? Putting him up against a dull savage like Stephen Harper (again, a person should not be describable as both dull and savage), it’s like deciding to put Shirley Temple in a steel cage match against Genghis Khan. She’ll dance around for a little while, but soon enough, her head will be rolling in to the first row. And, to be honest, part of why I’m actually something resembling happy about this joke of an electoral cycle is the knowledge that SOME of the losers are going to lose their jobs, and their replacements frankly HAVE to be better. It’s not conceivable to me in the least that you could come up with WORSE leaders, unless the alternative is Jacob, the creepy girls’ school janitor who alternates between mumbling to himself and jacking off in the broom closet…though he would spice up the debates! Would whipping out his dong be considered a use of props???

Then we have Elizabeth May, who I’ve basically already covered as a lying weasel right out of the gate. While I give her points for so quickly allowing herself to be corrupted, she hasn’t yet issued enough stupidity for me to completely hack her to pieces. I put big emphasis on the YET part. At the rate these clowns are making asses of themselves this time around, I expect to hear her apologizing for surmising that Hitler actually wasn’t too bad of a guy (you know, aside from that whole ‘roasting a civilization’ thing…but, hey, he made those highways!) sometimes next Tuesday.

Jack Layton. God…the name conjures up images of a green-clad leprechaun hopping around and challenging everyone else to fights over ownership of his pot of gold…which is, in fact, just a giant cauldron brimming to the top with disappointment. The guy is the political equivalent of the Internet forum troll, the dude who perceives slights and injustices at every turn, takes everything personally, and simply refuses to shut the Hell up without turning EVERYTHING in to a fight. He is a tiny, elven voice and a head filled with candy away from being a member of the Keeblers.

And then there’s Gilles Duceppe. Actually, I am a big fan of the Duce. The guy is fantastic entertainment come debate time…the only people he needs to give a shit about are Quebecois, so once the issues of discussion break away from anything concerning them, he goes straight in to bitchslap mode. It’s a thing of beauty…first he got to hammer on Paul Martin when he tried to ‘buddy’ up, then it was Layton. I can’t believe the other leaders haven’t realized yet that he’s simply out to make them look like the fucking morons they truly are, but on the other hand, I hope they never do, because it’s one of the greatest guilty pleasures to watch it happen. If I could vote for Gilles Duceppe, I would.

So, in the final decision…who do I want to vote for? The dull tyrant, the weak idiot, the elvish oaf, or the mysterious liar? Fuck, it’s a list that reads like some bizarro world rendition of the the goddamn Breakfast Club. However, I believe I’m going to throw MY vote behind someone a little different. A bit of a maverick, and certainly someone out of left field. Yes, MY choice is REALLY going to shake things up. (Sure, it’s a page created for the US election cycle, but goddammit, those policies work just as well here!). Really, could he do any worse?