Peer Pressure Works!

Jesus…having just finished my second draft of the day, and having spent the past…4 goddamn hours involved in Fantasy Football drafts, I can honestly say I’m pretty much done in terms of that…and luckily, I AM done in terms of that!

Anyway, The Northern Horde logged in to their draft 7 minutes prior to find…we pick NINTH? Ninth out of twelve teams? Uhhh…wow…did I have sex with the cyborg woman of the Yahoo randomizer or something? On the good side…it is a little nice being on an end of a serpentine draft, since I’ll always have picks 6 apart. On the bad side…it’s NINTH. It’s like…okay, you meet Steven Hawking. Now, you can be at the head end, where you get to talk to a complete genius. Or, you can be at the tail end, where you can observe the expansion of the genius’s colostomy bag. I feel like the Olympian who tripped over the first damn hurdle in the event. This sucks. One note, though…even though 3 of the positions are labelled as defensive linemen, in fact every true lineman AND every linebacker in the league has drawn that title, so ‘backers will be a big part of the league. This makes things a bit easier.

And we’re off! LT goes first…everyone jokes that they’re amazed, because everyone is tired/hungover/on their second draft of the day/obligated to join in by the FF gods themselves. #2 is…Tom Brady? Wow, someone expects 50 TD passes again, apparently. Perhaps someone also still believes in Santa, who may or may not bang hot chicks with Brady’s propensity. Let’s face it, the ladies like the dudes with the schwag, and Santa’s traveling with a load of gifts! #3…Addai? Seems a bit early. Moss and Manning go next…insane hopes that Brian Westbrook will freefall begin to germinate in my fevered brain. They are dashed when he goes 7th (Peterson went 6th). Marion Barber goes 8…holy fucking shit, Steven Jackson just fell to number 9 in the damn draft! This is like your grandma giving you a Ferrari at Christmas, instead of socks. I am amazed, and thrilled! (Just to round out the first round…Maurice Jones-Drew was a surprising 10th pick, Frank Gore went 11th, and Tony “Hey, Tom, I can score with hot chicks, too” Romo went 12th.

Now, I pick 3 down the list, and I have crazed dreams of landing another top flight running back. And, lo and behold, thanks to one of the people in front of me taking Michael Turner (Turner is big, and he’s fast. He’s also been LT’s backup his career so far, never having gotten more than maybe 100 carries in a season. He also plays for a team whose offense would be challenged by many Pop Warner teams. It’s like going out with a girl based on her hot voice…there’s a chance she’s a babe, but it’s also equally likely she’s 430 pounds…and a truck driver named Greg). Hello, Clinton Portis! This is a guy I thought I might be taking in round 1, and here I am landing him in round 2! This is shaping up incredibly well! The bad news…I gotta wait awhile before I pick next.

Brandon Jacobs (built like a tank, runs like a battering ram, gets hurt as often as a 90 year old man with glass bones) is a puzzling 2nd rounder, but the winner is autodraft, who supplies a rival with DeAngelo Williams in ROUND 2! Apparently, the Yahoo autodraft (and this guy, who didn’t change his player rankings) feel that a part time running back who will not be getting short yardage and goal line carries this year (and thus, won’t score as much) is one of the 24 best players in fantasy football. Wow.

For Round 3, I’m either taking a #1 receiver, or a #1 quarterback. I like TJ Houshmandzadeh (and not just for his awesome name) and Marques Colston (a damn good wideout, and also the 4th pick from the bottom in the REAL draft a few years back who has busted his ass and become a topnotch player) at wideout…and both go before I come up, Colston the pick before me. So, I ’settle’ for QB Ben Roethlisberger. Ben’s an enormous passer, threw for 4000 yards and 32 TDs last year, and can apparently survive taking a header off a motorbike and through a car windshield while not wearing a helmet, as he did 2 years ago. Gotta have an indestructible automaton heading up the team! WR Steve Smith goes with the next pick…he’s been suspended by his own team for the first 2 weeks for beating up a teammate in practice. And RB Laurence Maroney, who tormented me with his lack of production last year, is the last player in the round. I’m secretly pleased by this, as I think he MIGHT do better this year, and was thinking of taking him with my next pick. Now, I am no longer living by the whims of New England coach Bill Belichick, a man so dickishly awful that Mother Theresa would have kicked him square in the junk, then spit on him while he writhed on the ground. God’s reaction would have been a high five.

Round 4! I really need a receiver, but if one of the few top guys left (Anquan Boldin, Brandon Marshall) isn’t there, I can wait, and take something else. I would also seriously consider Reggie Bush, a running back who I hate in real life, but who has a lot of fantasy value in a league that rewards pass catching as heavily as this one does. Well, no Bush…yet again, a player I like goes the pick before my turn. However, BOTH receivers are there, as the only one to go before me is Torry Holt, a man who seems to be getting caught slowly by Father Time, and who is coming off an injury riddled season. Marshall was a flat out STUD for me last year…he was my sleeper who went on to catch 102 passes. Trouble is, he’s suspended for the first week, and I want a guy who can (hopefully) give me a full year’s production, so I take Boldin. Some puzzling picks to finish Round 4. Bobby Engram is also a good WR who had a great year for me last season, but he’s out the first 4 games AT LEAST recovering from surgery. Eli Manning goes WAY too early at QB…he led his team to a Super Bowl last year, but he throws a lot of picks, and his receiving corps ain’t exactly loaded with all pros. Willie Parker is a good back in real life, but his lack of touchdowns, especially this year, with the Steelers drafting a power runner to take goal line carries in round 1, kills him as a fantasy back. Trust me, I remember…and while I like Chicago’s Matt Forte (a rookie running back), he is playing on one of the worst offenses I have seen in years, which MIGHT just hurt his production.

Round 5…look who’s still there! 4 other wideouts have been drafted, but I still have Marshall sitting on the board, and can’t pass on him another round. He’s mine. No mindblowingly stupid choices this round…San Diego tight end Antonio Gates goes at the end…another terrific talent, but a guy who’s had so many foot problems that nobody knows if/when he even steps on the field this year. A gamble to be sure.

6th round…what…Jeremy Shockey is the 3rd tight end drafted? Not Kellen Winslow? That’s like having the choice to have sex with any woman you want, and deciding “You know, there’s just something about that Roseanne…” Wow, suddenly Winslow is VERY tempting. But, considering how quickly running backs are flying off the shelves in a 12 team draft, I want depth there, so Jonathan Stewart (the Carolina rookie who should be poaching carries AND touchdowns from the aforementioned DeAngelo Williams, and who has just been named the starter) it is. Probably a good call, since the 3rd rookie runner, Detroit’s Kevin Smith, goes 2 picks later, and I think Stewart’s the stronger choice. Denver’s Selvin Young going in Round 6 shows how thin the RB position really is…he isn’t bad, but his coach is a jackass who likes to mix and match running backs game to game and play to play on a whim.

7th round, and I need a good third receiver or a quality tight end, especially with Marshall out Week One. And…what the…did I just see DEVIN HESTER go? Good grief! Apparently a fellow GM decided to wake up this morning with a nice speedball of coke (part of a complete breakfast, if you’re a Colombian sleazebucket). Hester is a record setting kick returner. He is also such a bad receiver, that the Fly route confused him last year (the fly route’s easy. Run downfield. That’s it). Yet he is a STARTER for the Chicago Bears (perhaps giving you an idea just how awful that offense truly looks). Anyway, WOW. Unfortunately, 2 other guys I actually liked go before I pick, so I take Washington’s Santana Moss. He had a decent year last season, and I think the team’s new spread offense fits him to a tee. Not disappointed at all with this pick. Oddly, the first kicker goes with the next pick…jumping the gun JUST A TAD, which is sort of like saying that last year’s proclamations that Hilary Clinton would win the Democratic nomination in a walk MIGHT have been a bit premature. Also puzzling is the choice of Javon Walker. This is a man who has demanded a trade from 2 teams in 3 years. He also has a knee that’s bone on bone. He then signed one of the most ludicrously outsized contracts ever (Aaaah, the Oakland Raiders, the drunken sailors of pro football spending), and then had to be convinced not to retire. Yes, THAT’S a man I want to take in the first third of a draft.

Round 8, and I need a tight end, since you can’t toss a wideout in to that spot on a lark, like I can in every other FF league I’m a part of. I kinda wanted Chris Cooley of Washington, but also didn’t want to end up taking 3 guys from one team in the first 8 rounds. I’m relieved when he’s taken before I’m up, relieving me of the decision. I’m quite happy to take a bit of a sleeper…Denver’s Tony Scheffler. The kid was still figuring out his role last year, and still hauled in 49 passes, and I think he could really blow up this year, especially with their question marks out wide. The first defensive player goes next, Minnesota defensive end Jared Allen, catching me a little off guard. This is the second draft I’ve ever been in with defensive players, and the first ended 8 minutes before this one started. I didn’t figure on any D-man going this early. 2 more quickly follow, as do 2 more tight ends, proving I was probably right to grab mine when I did.

Round 9 and…dammit, there goes Arizona linebacker Karlos Dansby! I was hoping people would pass him over for a bit! I still want more depth, so I take Tennessee running back LenDale White. I honestly think part of the reason is that it will sicken Liam (though I will point out that it’s Round 9, and White is the 30th running back selected, and about the only guy left with any track record at all). 2 picks after me goes Jets linebacker David Harris, another guy I wanted to see fall. Crap!

Round 10…now that defensive players are going, we truly witness the retardity level of the autodraft system. It starts taking defensive backs…I have no idea what possible criteria are behind it’s choices, because it’s first pick is Will Blackmon. He’s a cornerback for Green Bay. He is the #4 cornerback for Green Bay. He plays a little bit more often than the towel boy. Anyway, CRAP! Green Bay’s Nick Barnett just went, ANOTHER linebacker I wanted, and the guy I was going to take in 2 friggin’ picks! AAGH! Oh well, I ’settle’ for Seattle’s Lofa Tatupu, a tackle machine who also gets a lot of picks. I’d love to see Houston’s DeMeco Ryans fall to the next round, so, of course, it doesn’t happen. Another wonderful autodraft selection occurs with Willie Andrews. He’s a DB in New England. His entire stats total over 2 years in the league…24 tackles. He’s lower on the depth chart than the owner.

Round 11….what the Hell?! Carolina wideout DJ Hackett just got taken, ANOTHER guy I wanted to see fall a bit. On the one hand, other guys are taking sleeper players WAY too early if a guy like Hackett gets his name called this early. On the other hand, it screws up my plans, because I was thinking another 2 rounds, and he’s mine. A defender named Travis Williams is autodrafted…I have to look him up, because I have no idea who this guy is. He’s a second year linebacker for Atlanta. He’s a scrub backup. He outweighs me by 8 pounds or so. Yeah, this dude’s a stud. I decide I want a premier D-back, so I take another Seattle player, cornerback Marcus Trufant. He gets picks, and he’s that rare corner that plays aggressively enough to load up on tackles, too.

Round 12…Denver linebacker DJ Williams. He’s a tackle machine, and in the past he’s gotten decent numbers in other areas, as well. He’s a good pick here. Very happy to get him. D’oh! The other Houston guy I was hoping to get, defensive end Mario Williams, is finally taken, at the end of the round. Not surprised…actually quite shocked he was still there at that point!

Round 13…another autodraft gem (there have been many the past few rounds, but this one is exceptional) in cornerback Allen Rossum. He’s basically just an average punt returner…and so far as I’m aware, he’s also unemployed. What a get! I decide to go with San Diego receiver Vincent Jackson. The wideout cupboard is getting bare, and I need a week one fill in. I like Jackson, and think he could have a decent season. We’re now at the halfway point, and I like the team.

Round 14…Pittsburgh linebacker James Harrison. He’s a good pass rusher, and he plays the run well, so a good number of sacks and of tackles should be in the offing here. Disappointed to see Rams safety Oshiomogho Atogwe taken by another. Not only is he a pretty good player, that is a flat out awesome name…he’s also Canadian! Round 15…I like me some of Jets safety Kerry Rhodes. He’s a nice player, in that he gets sacks, he gets fumbles forced/recovered, he gets picks, he gets deflections, and lord does he get tackles! Had he not gone 2 picks before I was up, Pittsburgh’s Troy Polamalu would have been my call, but Rhodes is not exactly a booby prize.

Round 16 features two of the most mindblowingly stupid selections I have ever seen. With the third choice of this round, a human player, NOT an autodrafter, selects…Kansas City defensive tackle James Reed. Defensive tackles do not put up the numbers to be picked. Reed doesn’t put up numbers at all…he ties up blockers and lets the other guys get the glory. He would have been a shitty 25th round pick. He’s an indescribably bad and bewildering pick here. I’m starting to wonder if I was supposed to receive a complimentary speedball to enjoy prior to draft time, as many of my fellow owners seem to have done so. Not to be outdone, though, Autodraft saddles some poor bastard with Jacksonville defensive tackle Tony McDaniel, a backup’s backup. Truly an award winning performance of excellence in the field of pure suckage. In a way, I respect the Autodraft’s unstoppable drive to the bottom of the barrel. My pick this round…Arizona linebacker Gerald Hayes. He ain’t flashy, but he’s consistent at racking up tackles.

Round 17, and it’s a chance to take a guy I actually like, from my team (Jacksonville) in safety Reggie Nelson. He had a good rookie season, and his potential is fantastic. At worst, he should replicate last year…57 solo stops, a bunch of assist tackles, and 5 picks. Autodraft keeps making me look things up, as it chooses something called a ‘Torrance Daniels’. Apparently he’s a third year backup linebacker. Round 18, and somebody didn’t pay attention to the fact that Cincinnati just released running back Rudi Johnson, because there he goes. Nice. I’m sure there will be a HUGE waiver market for broken down, worn out power runners. I need a backup quarterback. I feel solid enough everywhere else that it’s time to look. Look who I see…world class douchebag Philip Rivers! I simply cannot resist. Even his PHOTO screams “Hey, I’m the type of jagoff who would wave my dick in the face of a nun!”

Seriously, don’t you really just want to punch him square in the face? I do…Hell, a portion of his real life teammates do! At the very least, he gives me a good punching bag for abuse when things aren’t going well. He also is good enough that he could provide solid trade bait down the road.

Round 19…running back is so thin that Deuce McAllister was just taken. He’s coming off his 57th knee surgery. He’s a fond memory for me, in that the week before he blew his knee last year, I traded him to someone else. The bad part…I got Laurence Maroney in return. A blown knee ligament can only have helped HIS production last year (I do seem to recall him missing some games last year, I believe for a ‘pulled vagina’). Anyway, seeing as how things are getting desperate at running back, it’s time to take sleeper Chris Perry, who is now the starter in Cincy…and…AAAAUUUGHHH! There he fucking goes! DAMMIT! I take Oakland’s Justin Fargas, instead. The good news, he has been named the starter, despite the presence of overhyped rookie Darren McFadden. The bad news, prior to last year he was probably best known for looking pretty whilst standing injured on the sidelines. However, he’s my 5th running back…I’m not exactly superconcerned. I am pissed about missing Perry, though, who’s a risk, but has SERIOUS potential to blow up.

Round 20…situation also thin at wideout. Drew Bennett of the St. Louis Rams is my call. Is he great? No. He is a starter, though, and he’s about the 63rd or so WR to be taken, so I’m cool with it. Round 21…another defensive back, Washington safety LaRon Landry. Had a decent first year, playing out of position…now he’s at free safety, and  should really play well. Round 22…it’s kicker time! Several are already gone, but I’m not too sad to end up with Pittsburgh’s Jeff Reed. Somebody just took a running back named Tim Hightower. He’s Arizona’s third stringer. Yeah. Also, someone took Chicago safety Mike Brown. In the last 3 years, Brown has played a grand total of 19 games. In the last 2 years, 7 games. He’s more decrepit than the Samuel L Jackson character in Unbreakable.

23rd Round…we are truly down to the dregs, now. There is so little talent on offense, I elect to take a couple extra defenders. First up, Cincinnati cornerback Leon Hall. He had a very nice rookie year, and is another corner who gets a lot of tackles as well as a lot of picks. In the 24th, it’s Buffalo linebacker Paul Posluszny. At last, ONE of my goddamn sleepers actually lasted long enough for me to take him! The other one I had on D, Arizona safety Adrian Wilson, went several rounds ago. He’s a fantastic player, but he got hurt last year, so his numbers were down, and I’d hoped everyone else had forgotten about him (happened in my first draft today, where he was my second from last pick). Anyway, Paul’s rookie year was cut way short by injury, but he’s very good, and he has good DTs in front of him to tie up blocking. And in the last round…what a surprise, the kid I was hanging out for, Denver wideout Eddie Royal ( a rookie who was recently announced as the starter opposite Marshall) is taken! Oh well, I take the other rookie I like, Buffalo’s James Hardy. He’s tall enough to play pro hoops on a team with midget wideouts, which means he should catch a few TD passes when they’re close to the end zone.

And that’s it! Overall, I’m happy with the team. I’m a thousand times better than I was last year at running back, though my receiving corps probably isn’t quite as good. QB looks like a wash. Just to lay it out one more time….

QB – Ben Roethlisberger (3), Philip Rivers (18).

RB – Steven Jackson (1), Clinton Portis (2), Jonathan Stewart (6), LenDale White (9), Justin Fargas (19).

WR – Anquan Boldin (4), Brandon Marshall (5), Santana Moss (7), Vincent Jackson (13), Drew Bennett (20), James Hardy (25).

TE – Tony Scheffler (8).

K – Jeff Reed (22).

DL – Lofa Tatupu (10), DJ Williams (12), James Harrison (14), Gerald Hayes (16), Paul Posluszny (24).

DB – Marcus Trufant (11), Kerry Rhodes (15), Reggie Nelson (17), LaRon Landry (21), Leon Hall (23).