Peer Pressure Works!

There are 2 reasons for this post to exist.

1. To test the new Press This feature in Wordpress 2.6 (anyone who has Google Reader and has the Note in Reader button, where you can note any page in your G-Reader account? Yeah, this works exactly the same, only it opens up a Wordpress window, and start posting. It’s a very LIMITED setup, but I could see myself using it if I find a really bizarre video, or something, since it does have an embedder in it.

2. To mock foreigners. Stupid foreigners attempting to part me from my money. I am sick and tired of hearing news reports about these con losers where they are described as ‘brilliant con artists’ who swindle people using ‘highly intelligent and realistic scams’. Have you ever actually READ one of the missives from these subhuman mouth breathers? Well, having just popped in to my Yahoo account to adjust my Fantasy Baseball rosters (There are 2 reasons for my Yahoo account’s existence. 1. Fantasy sports. 2. When emailing resumes to prospective employers, it strikes me as a solid idea to not use an email address including the words Crass and Master. Of course, if that same prospective employer were to Google search my name, eventually they would come to this posting, which implies some sort of sodomy in its’ title, and has attacked foreigners, so…really, we’re just breaking even, here), I came across the latest brilliant release by Ali Baba and his 40 Retards. Shall we take a look? (Unfortunately, this isn’t even CLOSE to the most ridiculous one. I got one a few weeks back that was from Robert Mueller, head of the FBI. Apparently, there was a large sum of money sitting in a fraudulent account, and the Feds were totally ready to sweep in and nab the baddies, if only I’d send them a grand to UNLOCK the money for the bad guys…only then could they get em! What, the Federal Government was just plum out of fucking money that day???)

Greetings,

We have been waiting for you since to contact us for your Confirmable
BankDraft of 600,000,00 GBP, which was awarded to you by the GLOBAL AWARD
PROMOTION (GAP) but we did not hear from you since that time.

Then we went and deposited the Draft with FEDEX COURIER SERVICE, West Africa,
when our officer travelled out of the country for a 3 Months Course and he
will not come back untill the end of August.

First off…so, a major courier company is shipping a massive amount of money to me…but they don’t know MY NAME? It’s a BANK DRAFT, retard, MY NAME should be ON IT! Maybe you wanna check that, in case it’s for, you know, Richard Jackson…in which case, I am totally fucking him.

Secondly…don’t wanna wait for me to contact you? Maybe let me know you’re waiting! Jesus Christ, was this thing written by a clutch of women who actually use the ‘You shouldn’t NEED me to tell you WHY I’m upset!’ argument and don’t realize it makes them look like irrational harpies? I am not psychic! I do not have ‘Financial Windfall Fairies’ blowing pixie dust and promises of massive lump sumps of foreign currency in to my ears on a regular basis! To quote an old, horrible, late night phone sex ad…PICK UP THE PHONE! (to truly get the full effect, imagine that line being caterwauled by a clutch of frighteningly untalented monster women, all sporting identical silicon mountain ranges and artificial everything. And…well, go ring one off, now…I’ll wait…)

Third, so…your promise seems to be that some financial prize company (or, as you amusingly put it, GAP…and, you know what, after having to sit through a few years of their bullshit commercials featuring retread has beens like Fran Drescher and Morgan Fairchild and Madonna preening about how they just LOOOOOVE their fucking capri pants, they DO owe me a large cash settlement!) was TOTALLY going to send me some money, but then, they like, FORGOT, or something, and then…check this, the GUY, you know, the MONEY guy LEFT the money with this OTHER guy, and HE went to fuckin’ SCHOOL! Can you BELIEVE that SHIT? No. No, I cannot. There is not enough high end weed on planet Earth to get me high enough that that would even begin to make a single iota’s worth of sense. And, who IS this guy, anyway? What, he was in the process of putting through this huge financial transaction when he SUDDENLY remembered…holy SHIT, I’m TOTALLY late for CALCULUS! Spring Break ended last WEEK! So, he hopped on his camel, and loped off to Nigeria Technical Institute of the Technical?

What you have to do now is to contact the FEDEX COURIER SERVICE as soon as
possible to know when they will deliver your package to you because of the
expiring date. For your information, we have paid for the delivering Charge,
Insurance premium and Clearance Certificate Fee of the Cheque showing that
it is not a Drug Money or meant to sponsor Terrorist attack in your Country.

Why…why don’t they just DELIVER it, then? Or, since YOU have obviously somehow ‘found’ me (What, am I in a witness protection program over here? I’m not exactly hard to find, Cochise! I spend my days at work, and my nights playing Call of Duty 4…I didn’t REALIZE that such a diverse and exciting lifestyle would make me such a PROBLEM to keep TRACK of. And, well, thanks for paying all those made up fees, Mustapha, but the joke is TOTALLY on you, because I always planned to use this windfall that I never before know about to purchase cocaine bombs. Yes, I will flout both drug laws AND anti-terror laws IN ONE FELL SWOOP, and ALL on the dime of the people of Burkina Faso! (What is with Burkina Faso? Seriously, BURKINA FASO? I could SORT of understand Nigeria…bigger country…oil wealth…mass corruption, but BURKINA FASO? They’re one of those countries that literally produces NOTHING. Their National wealth is the rough equivalent to the change you dig out of your couch cushions. Their main export is suffering. The only way they actually have ANYTHING go through their economy is the influx of the change that kids collect in UNICEF boxes, and whatever food aid is sent to them…and not subsequently consumed by Sally Struthers.) Oh, and by the way, how did FedEx apparently magically transform my confirmable bank draft (I can’t help noticing a lack of you mentioning just HOW I would go about confirming this, by the way) in to a package, and now in to a cheque…I did not realize that FedEx charges all those fees to fund their practice of necromancy.

The only money you will send to the FEDEX COURIER SERVICE to deliver your
Draft direct to your postal Address in your country is ($385.00 US) Dollars
only being Security Keeping Fee of the Courier Company so far.

Again, don’t be deceived by anybody to pay any other money except $385.00US
Dollars.

I would have paid that but they said no because they don’t know when you
will contact them and in case of demurrage.You have to contact the FEDEX
COURIER SERVICE now for the delivery of your Draft with this information
bellow;

Contact Person: Mr Albert Lee
Email Address: fedex.fedex5@gmail.com
Telephone:+(234) 8051131534

Oh, so you paid all those OTHER fees, but now I get to pay this one. And…really…$385? That’s IT? Shit, if that’s the rate of taxation on 600 grand in Burkina Faso, it’s no wonder you people are trying to kill your hunger WITH SAND. Allow me to make a suggestion, if I may, Mr. Albert Lee (Albert Lee? ALBERT LEE? When did West Africa become Thailand? ALBERT FUCKING LEE? THAT is the name you came up with? I mean, you don’t have to go OVERBOARD, and go with Mestilicious Clicksandwhistles, or anything like that, but ALBERT LEE? That’s the name of a fucking take out guy!) perhaps you MIGHT want to look in to increasing your rate of taxation on money leaving the country. JUST a crazy thought. Oh, and perhaps ceasing and desisting with the random awarding of massive sums of money to complete and total strangers…that might help the ol’ cash flow situation, too!

However, Mr. Lee, I appreciate your attempts to pay even this small pittance to allow me a faster rate of obtainage on my VAST FORTUNE. And, your concern that I not pay anyone ELSE any ADDITIONAL CHARGES on this money, since they might, you know, be SHADY types. NEVER EVER send money to Charlie Chan from Uzbekistan…that dude is a total fucking scam artist!

Finally, make sure that you reconfirm your Postal address() and Direct
telephone number to them again to avoid any mistake on the Delivery and ask
them to give you the tracking number to enable you track your package over
there and know when it will get to your address.

Let me repeat again, try to contact them as soon as you receive this mail to
avoid any further delay and remember to pay them their  Security Keeping fee
of $385.00 US Dollars for their immediate action.

You should also let us know through email as soon as you receive your Draft.

Yours Faithfully,
Andy Davids.

Again, Albert…or…wait…is it Andy Davids (Now THERE is a good West African name…if you consider The Waltons to have been a show that took place in West Africa. ANDY DAVIDS? It sounds like the moniker of a member of the Partridge Family…well, not the actual FAMILY< but maybe he’d drive the bus and set up the gear. He’d be their pathetic roadie, drinking away the pain of being roadie to THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY, and weeping silently as he accepts handjobs behind the dumpster out back of the venue from 12 year olds DESPERATE to meet DAVID CASSIDY!), your genuine concern means a lot to me, although I really find myself wondering how exactly a prize was issued to a nameless entity with no address…that is a bit of a pickle, sir! It does mean a lot, though, that you remain faithful. Why, the thought of you sending off cheques to OTHER boys just makes my heart ACHE.

Albert…Andy…Anbert…fuck yourself. Not even for trying to pull this scam, but for not feeling the need to TRY HARDER. Seriously, dude, COME ON! Anyone who falls for THIS halfassed shit DESERVES to lose their money. “Sorry kids, we would really have LOVED to send you to college, but daddy was a drunken heroin addict, and not a bright person, so he sent that money to Anbert, and we never did see that prize. Daddy waited for months, until I was driven to kill him with that hammer. Well, mommy’s gonna get the gas soon, so be good in your foster home with Uncle Handsy!” And if you’re gonna try and sell me on some shit about how “An ELDERLY person could fall for it!”…well then, DON’T LET THEM CONTROL THEIR OWN MONEY! Come on, any senile old bat willing to accept THIS inanity as REAL is so batshit nuts you could give her some sort of PRETEND bank, and she’d think it was real! Fuck, tell her you invested her cash in Moon Apartments…make something up and have a little fun with it!

You know, I WAS going to stop now, but I just looked at the second one…suddenly, when it comes to con men, Anbert looks like a goddamn workaholic.

You have been awared the sum of £500,000 by the U.K NATIONAL PROMO.You are advise to contact your claims department with the below informations.

1.FullNames. 2.Home Address.
3.Age. 4.Occupation.
5.Tell. 6.Country

Contact Name: Louis Mike
E-mail: louis.mike@rocketmail.com

THAT IS THE ENTIRE EMAIL! THAT! I mean, I knew British people had horrible dentistry and a bizarre obsession with pasty white people in crowns who live to be 112, but are they also the laziest motherfuckers to walk the Earth? How does a prize get issued to someone YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT? Did it just come up as ‘Random Guy’, and you picked a random email account not even located IN Britain? Maybe cut back on the inbreeding, guv’nor, because you folk CANNOT AFFORD TO GET DUMBER. I would invest in a good, sturdy helmet, and wear it…constantly.