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Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. — Ambrose Redman

Genesis of Gaming - The Batman Trials

Geektastic
Jul 152008

Due to Liam telling me I just HAD to try a game called Gunstar Heroes, I found myself downloading said game in Rom form, as well as a Genesis emulator last night. Now, immediately I also snagged some other games I knew I liked…both Toejam and Earl titles, Genghis Khan 2, Pacific Theatre of Operations, Strider, and the like. However, I found myself looking through the massive repository of titles, and decided I needed to try some more. So, I picked and chose…basically, using a blend of random chance, and stringent evaluation of just how awesome the title is, or “They made a game based on THAT movie?” I am sure I have the cream of the crop.

First off tonight were the 4 games in the Batman series, thanks to absolutely no reason other than alphabetic order. I’ll have you know all notes on these games are based on the…oh…20 or so minutes I spent playing them before no longer laughing my ass off, and deleting them. And I mean 20 minutes TOTAL, by the way, as all 4 are pretty much impossible to advance in.

First, we have the brilliantly titled Batman. This game doesn’t fuck around with stupid attempts at an intro sequence, which, being on a 16 bit system, are awful at best. Man, I hated cutscenes BEFORE, but until you re-experience them in Genesis form, you really forget just how far we’ve come in the area of ‘pointless, time wasting garbage that I can’t play’. None of that for this game, though, as it hurls you directly in to combat against a legion of…orange haired punks in what appear to be green Hazmat suits, just without the helmet. Man, I remember when THAT happened in the Batman series…fans couldn’t wait to see the outcome in the fight against Bizarro FEMA. These punks mean business, too, as they run right at me…then politely slow down as they draw their 3-pixel gray thing that I suppose is made to represent a knife. They then pass on a second favour as, rather than, you know, USING said knife, they unleash brutal low kick attacks with all the speed and grace of Jackie Chan, if Jackie Chan were, in fact, a 1000 pound shut-in on his way to hospital on a flatbed because that last case lot of pork rinds made his heart hurt.

Luckily, in the face of such evil, Batman is armed with the greatest jab in the history of mankind. Seriously, he should look in to opening a series of boxing academies (I mean, really, Batman…rather than abusing these poor street urchins, clean em up and give me a CHANCE!) , because this thing will send the punks flying back a good 10 feet at approximately the speed of sound. You can tell it’s all business, too, since every time you unleash one of these bad boys it makes a ‘ffft’ sound, like impending doom ripping through the very air we breathe.

So, yeah, Sugar Ray Wayne doesn’t get much chance to be too cocky, though, cause soon the action is fast and furious, with baddies appearing from both tight right AND the left. Holy fuck, you mean, I have to TURN AROUND?! Sweet Jesus, that’s evil distilled to its’ purest form! Luckily I am also capable of dropkicking three of them in one attack (How is this possible, anyway? I mean, are these guys occupying the same space at once?)! Finally, we reach the end boss of Level 1-1. This tactical superthinker is able to DUCK when I hurl my bat-erangs, but I’m Bruce Wayne…genius extraordinaire, and duck AND throw. Luckily,. King Retard hasn’t learned to jump yet, and I remove half his heath bar. Good thing, because this guy is given all sorts of “I’ll just remove 2 bars of your health while you grin and bear it, because none of your pitiful inputs mean shit while the animation is completing!’ attacks. I finally killed him with Batman’s ‘jump over the head, and punch to the back of the cranium move. I didn’t get much further…early on in 1-2, I encountered an impassable wall of crates, but a wall that the bad guys, who run and then launch diving kick strikes, seem to pass through with impunity. I died. I didn’t care. I suspect there isn’t actually anything else IN the game, so the designer just pout that there is a finishing point.

The other games were similar. Revenge of the Joker featured massive morning stars dropping from the ceilings of perfectly normal looking buildings, which kind of explains why nobody normal seems to live in Gotham City. I mean, if, at any moment during my trip to work, or the bank, or the grocery store, weapons of death are potentially going to drop from the roof and cleave my in twain, fuck it, I’m moving tor Newark! Also, Batman features kick attacks in this game that look like something cast off from a Rockettes show, he fights gargoyles and cliche Arab guys that just might be genetic recreations of Sinbad, and, if you don’t do anything for a few moments, he bizarrely enters that Dracula pose, where Drac brings his arm up and over the lower half of his face, so his cape is pulled around him. Kinda seems oddly placed in a Batman game, which makes me suspect that it was originally to be ‘Dracula’s Middle Eastern Cavalcade’, until Acclaim realized that title would reduce their sales to about 3. Also, I found myself killing bad guys and crates, and then collecting letters, and if I KICKED the letters, they changed to a DIFFERENT letter, none of which seemed to do anything specific. Perhaps ‘Dracula : Alpha-Ghetti Mishap’ was the original idea?

Then we have Batman Forever. It’s started with a wonderful 16 bit Joker voice, saying…well, something. Remember that awful voice stuff at the beginning of Altered Beast? Make that voice gayer, and you have The Joker here. Now, this game is exciting because you can choose from Batman OR Robin! Wow! I, of course, chose Robin, he being the lamer of the two. Now, you choose your items…it really doesn’t matter, and all boils down to 16 different versions of worthless gimmickry and flashy screen effects that do nothing. The first thing once notices when the game starts is the graphics. Remember Pitfighter? Remember how it was supposed to be some big graphical advance, but, in reality, it looked like shit? And I literally mean shit…like the graphic designers took a dump, took pictures of it, digitized it really badly, and then ‘molded’ it to look like a somewhat human glob of pixellation? Anyway, that’s what we get here. Apparently, Two Face has escaped from Arkham, and we have to stop him. And we stop him by beating regular crazy folk to death. Yes, nothing quite so heroic as beating the ever living shit out of the standard crazoids with foot sweeps, and punches to the junk. These people really haven’t DONE anything, and never actually will until after you’ve smacked them in the face…sorta seems like a clear case of self defence to me, but in Batman’s world, it means a beating. I find it sad how he’s been corrupted so badly by his power that this seems right to him now…he’s basically the Stalin of Gotham City. Anyway, after getting through 2 floors of crazies (about 6 of them), I reached a point where I couldn’t advance, but couldn’t go all the way back. So, figuring it’s probably the fault of Robin for being so pitiful, I started over as Batman. After beating the shit out of the same people (who all have names like Insane Matt…really, if you’re given the name Insane Matt, isn’t that pretty much pigeonholing you for the rest of your life? It’s like naming your daughter Tawny…news flash, she is not going to grow up to be a neurologist), I reached the same point of no advance. I didn’t care.

Finally, there’s Batman Returns. This features a thrilling intro montage where it appears that The Penguin (who can now fly…somewhat ironic, considering an ACTUAL penguin is one of nature’s flightless birds) has captured what appears to be Barbara Bush. Batman reaches them on a rooftop, only for her to be engulfed by some black of cloud of…I dunno, ink or something, and vanish down to street level, where we see Batman hang his head over her now lifeless corpse. Wow. Nothing gets a player psyched up like abject failure before you’ve touched a fucking button. Now, it’s up to me to run through the Gotham skyline, which features MORE gargoyles, flame dropping nubs that don’t ever drop flame UNTIL you are directly beneath and unable to dodge (Fair is for fags!), and gymnast/clown guys who fight incredibly cheap, or pop out of garbage cans (on the 53rd floor? OUTDOORS?) and hurl rocks, and are indestructible…and…actually, they sort of look like Robin. Maybe he’s bitter? And…yes, I’m dead. Gotham city, by the way, is not built to any sort of recognized code I’ve ever heard of. Levels hanging on nothingness, fire flingers…this is hardly a safe environment to raise a family!

The one other thing that MUST be mentioned is the music. All I can say is…it’s good to know that, after they no doubt blew all of their Eye of the Tiger residuals on hookers and blow, the members of rock band Survivor were still able to find work. All the pounding bass and weird rhythms that 16 bit MIDI will allow…although, what was supposed to sound like a guitar (I’m guessing…maybe it was SUPPOSED to sound like the warblings of some retarded sparrow). The perfect clincher for a perfect series of games.

I can officially say that the shit I’m about to take will resembled Batman more than any, ANY of this crap…even Batman & Robin is b…okay, I simply can’t go that far. Man, I actually watched that movie the other night…I had forgotten how putrid that thing is! Everyone just passes it off as “Yeah, George Clooney as Batman…” or “Well, that’s what Joel Schumaker gets you!”, but you could have that thing starring and directed by ANYONE and it would be (in my opinion) the worst movie of all time. Awful effects, script, dialogue, plotline…just a complete dung heap. Anyway, yeah, so, they aren’t as bad as THAT…what a bold statement. Fuck you, Acclaim. I hope the people who made these games died of some sort of fatal cockrot.

Add comments
  • http://liamj.blogspot.com Liam

    1) Any game made based on a movie in the 8-16 bit era has an 85% chance of sucking.
    2) You go, hero! Stomp another hole in Insane Matt’s chest.
    3) Imagine Bruce Campbell as Batman and Michael J. Fox as Robin and see if you can still tell me that Batman & Robin would suck. Go ahead, lie to me.
    4) Why don’t you spend some time with some good Genesis games? Like Ghouls & Ghosts?

  • http://liamj.blogspot.com Liam

    1) Any game made based on a movie in the 8-16 bit era has an 85% chance of sucking.
    2) You go, hero! Stomp another hole in Insane Matt’s chest.
    3) Imagine Bruce Campbell as Batman and Michael J. Fox as Robin and see if you can still tell me that Batman & Robin would suck. Go ahead, lie to me.
    4) Why don’t you spend some time with some good Genesis games? Like Ghouls & Ghosts?

  • http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff

    1. Oh, I know. I think my next project will be playing movie tie in games, then, for each, explaining what somebody who has never seen the movie must imagine the plot to be, based on the game.

    2. There was also Mad Dan. Now, whether he was loco, or just rather angry at seeing heroes slaughter the innocent is never fully explained.

    3. How long has it been since you’ve seen that movie, dude? Worst…movie…ever. Bruce would give it some fine cheese points, but I’m not sure how an uncontrollably convulsive Robin improves much…sure, definitely a better actor than Chris O’ Donnell (so is lumber), but still. And you’re still left having to watch the horrendous performances of Uma Thurman, Arnold, and Alicia Silverstone. And the worst dialogue in the history of moviedom.

    4. I play those as well. Believe me, the Batman series has already vanished completely from the hard drive.

  • http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff

    1. Oh, I know. I think my next project will be playing movie tie in games, then, for each, explaining what somebody who has never seen the movie must imagine the plot to be, based on the game.

    2. There was also Mad Dan. Now, whether he was loco, or just rather angry at seeing heroes slaughter the innocent is never fully explained.

    3. How long has it been since you’ve seen that movie, dude? Worst…movie…ever. Bruce would give it some fine cheese points, but I’m not sure how an uncontrollably convulsive Robin improves much…sure, definitely a better actor than Chris O’ Donnell (so is lumber), but still. And you’re still left having to watch the horrendous performances of Uma Thurman, Arnold, and Alicia Silverstone. And the worst dialogue in the history of moviedom.

    4. I play those as well. Believe me, the Batman series has already vanished completely from the hard drive.

  • http://liamj.blogspot.com Liam

    I gave a kick at the batman series last night, and even with the help of gamefaqs.com there was nothing I could do. That stack of boxes? You’re supposed to be able to shoot your grappling hook at the ledge (y’know, the one that had exploded while you ran along it) but that was no go. Also, there’s the most useless double-jump in video game history. Who cares if you can prolong your time in the air, if it doesn’t let you get any higher? Yeah, I spent too long on that one.

    The first one with the gargoyles was interesting. Those letters changed the nature of your wrist-shooter. Why you have a wrist-shooter, I have no idea. The second set of gargoyles defeated me there. I managed to kill the first one just before it killed me once, but I have no idea how I did it and they kept dropping beams of hurt on me.

    The one where you could be batman or robin, I hit a clue and it said something about look up. I saw a thing with a lock on it and thought ‘Hm… there must be a way to get up there.’ Sure enough, there was a hole in the ceiling. So I jumped and I jumped and I jumped. Then I went to the end of the screen and kicked for a bit and something popped up and fell off the screen. Yay, random property damage. Am I playing Batman or Punisher for the NES? So eventually I figured out that a button combo (a&b, I think) launches a diagonal grappling hook shot. I went to the opening in the ceiling and swung for awhile but I have no idea how to turn it into a successful leap to the second floor. But I tried for a long, long time. I wanted to kick me some more crazies. Didn’t work, though. So I went trolling for FIFA soccer games. I didn’t even get to the last game.

    They all had potential for fun, in my humble opinion, but just inane places where it was impossible to continue moving forward. Very off-putting.

  • http://liamj.blogspot.com Liam

    I gave a kick at the batman series last night, and even with the help of gamefaqs.com there was nothing I could do. That stack of boxes? You’re supposed to be able to shoot your grappling hook at the ledge (y’know, the one that had exploded while you ran along it) but that was no go. Also, there’s the most useless double-jump in video game history. Who cares if you can prolong your time in the air, if it doesn’t let you get any higher? Yeah, I spent too long on that one.

    The first one with the gargoyles was interesting. Those letters changed the nature of your wrist-shooter. Why you have a wrist-shooter, I have no idea. The second set of gargoyles defeated me there. I managed to kill the first one just before it killed me once, but I have no idea how I did it and they kept dropping beams of hurt on me.

    The one where you could be batman or robin, I hit a clue and it said something about look up. I saw a thing with a lock on it and thought ‘Hm… there must be a way to get up there.’ Sure enough, there was a hole in the ceiling. So I jumped and I jumped and I jumped. Then I went to the end of the screen and kicked for a bit and something popped up and fell off the screen. Yay, random property damage. Am I playing Batman or Punisher for the NES? So eventually I figured out that a button combo (a&b, I think) launches a diagonal grappling hook shot. I went to the opening in the ceiling and swung for awhile but I have no idea how to turn it into a successful leap to the second floor. But I tried for a long, long time. I wanted to kick me some more crazies. Didn’t work, though. So I went trolling for FIFA soccer games. I didn’t even get to the last game.

    They all had potential for fun, in my humble opinion, but just inane places where it was impossible to continue moving forward. Very off-putting.

  • http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff

    Yeah, they weren’t bad games gameplay-wise, the biggest issue with all of them were just horrible design elements. I mean, the example of how to ‘escape’ from that part of the Batman & Robin level is perfect…how many people are going to even think of that? TERRIBLE level design. And they all just seemed really…thrown together, quite frankly. There wasn’t much of an overriding concept in any of them. “Okay, we’ve got these iconic bad guys…let’s toss them in a blender with some weird jumping levels, medieval architecture, odd goons, and strange environmental weaponry!” Just…really, really weird.

    Oh, I finally tried Gunstar Heroes…very cool game, but godDAMN is it fast! I had to make a very quick adjustment.

  • http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff

    Yeah, they weren’t bad games gameplay-wise, the biggest issue with all of them were just horrible design elements. I mean, the example of how to ‘escape’ from that part of the Batman & Robin level is perfect…how many people are going to even think of that? TERRIBLE level design. And they all just seemed really…thrown together, quite frankly. There wasn’t much of an overriding concept in any of them. “Okay, we’ve got these iconic bad guys…let’s toss them in a blender with some weird jumping levels, medieval architecture, odd goons, and strange environmental weaponry!” Just…really, really weird.

    Oh, I finally tried Gunstar Heroes…very cool game, but godDAMN is it fast! I had to make a very quick adjustment.

  • http://liamj.blogspot.com Liam

    I’m not ready to give up on the batman games, just yet. I’m going to find a way past the impassible.

    Is it possible, on the one with batman AND robin that you have to use the X, Y, and Z buttons?

  • http://liamj.blogspot.com Liam

    I’m not ready to give up on the batman games, just yet. I’m going to find a way past the impassible.

    Is it possible, on the one with batman AND robin that you have to use the X, Y, and Z buttons?

  • http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff

    Could be. I always forget that Sega fancied things up, and added those buttons later on in the system’s life. I don’t remember them being used all that much, but they were there, dammit!

    I started messing around with a game called Landstalker…there will be a right up. It’s actually not BAD, though not GREAT, either, but I was sold the instant, in the opening cinematic, one of the characters actually said “Enough of this jibber-jabber.” So far, no Mr. T appearance, but I remain hopeful.

  • http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff

    Could be. I always forget that Sega fancied things up, and added those buttons later on in the system’s life. I don’t remember them being used all that much, but they were there, dammit!

    I started messing around with a game called Landstalker…there will be a right up. It’s actually not BAD, though not GREAT, either, but I was sold the instant, in the opening cinematic, one of the characters actually said “Enough of this jibber-jabber.” So far, no Mr. T appearance, but I remain hopeful.

  • http://liamj.blogspot.com Liam

    I got past the part in the one with Batman and Robin. If you press the buttons to shoot your grappling hook and press up right away, it will shoot straight up. I got past the first level! WOO!

  • http://liamj.blogspot.com Liam

    I got past the part in the one with Batman and Robin. If you press the buttons to shoot your grappling hook and press up right away, it will shoot straight up. I got past the first level! WOO!

  • http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff

    So, there actually IS another level? I just sort of assumed they ran out of time, and decided to make something impassable to cover up the fact there was nothing else there.

  • http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff

    So, there actually IS another level? I just sort of assumed they ran out of time, and decided to make something impassable to cover up the fact there was nothing else there.

  • http://liamj.blogspot.com Liam

    Get to it, pansy. I’ve already done the hard part for you.

    Go beat up some crazies. And if you run into more troubles, let me know. I passed some more obstacles that seemed soul-breaking until I figured them out.

  • http://liamj.blogspot.com Liam

    Get to it, pansy. I’ve already done the hard part for you.

    Go beat up some crazies. And if you run into more troubles, let me know. I passed some more obstacles that seemed soul-breaking until I figured them out.

  • http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff

    The Batman titles were a passing fancy…they were deleted from the hard drive later that very night! No, there are far too many amusingly bad/weird games to try to simply fixate on Batman.

  • http://www.peerpressureworks.com Cliff

    The Batman titles were a passing fancy…they were deleted from the hard drive later that very night! No, there are far too many amusingly bad/weird games to try to simply fixate on Batman.

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