I’ve worked at a number of places, and I’ve collected some interesting stories over the years. I got to remembering some of those during an earlier post, and decided to just go full bore in to a whole post. I can’t cover every story…if I were to put everything in to this post, it would become something best described as a tome. So I’m narrowing it to a few ‘greatest hits’.

First off, ‘Phil’ from Prairie Seed. I have to begin this by explaining the whole Phil thing. That wasn’t his actual name. I just called him Phil for so long that I forgot the unimportant bit of information that is his real name. Why did I call him Phil? Because of a Kids in the Hall sketch…

…and I can’t find the damn thing. Stupid Youtube! A quick summary : Loser guy known as ‘Phil from the warehouse’ who has pains that make it hard to live. From the moment that sketch was seen, every idiot that I have worked with has been known simply as Phil.

So, I’m working at a seed plant many moons ago, and it’s about as exciting a job as one would imagine. Mix seed in a hopper, pour it in to  sacks, sew those shut with a portable sewing machine, stack them on pallets. Repeat ad nauseam. After I’d been there for a little while, Phil arrived. He was the son of some higher up in the company. He was a complete moron. Yes indeed, he was too stupid to grasp working at a seed plant.

One day, I was doing the always thrilling job of stacking bags on pallets. Phil was working with the sewing machine. Imagine a tiny sewing machine with basically a pistol grip, hanging from the overall machine structure by flex cord. Something like this, only less modern looking :

Anyway, he’s using that. Now, Phil was slow as Hell to begin with, so I didn’t really take immediate notice of the fact that his productivity had dropped from ‘Sweet death will end this boredom’ to nothingness. After a few moments, though, I realized that he seemed to be fighting with the machine. I thought maybe it had run out of the string it uses, so I went to help him replace the roll. As soon as I got to him, he turned me and told me very quietly “I…I…uhhh…I think I’ve got a little problem here.”

“Okay, what’s up?” I asked him.

“I sewed my hand to the bag.”

Now, that machine pictured above is all safe and modern. There were no guards on the old school ones, and they go FAST. I asked him to repeat himself, and he told me the same thing. So I looked. He had managed to sew that chunk of flesh between the thumb and index finger to the bag. So he was stuck holding the machine, which was wedged right up against his hand, with a couple stitches attaching that hand to the bag.

After taking a moment to drink this in, I did the responsible thing that you do when some useless co-worker who you don’t like screws up…I went and told the guy running the seed hopper, giggling the whole time. He in turn went to get the warehouse manager. And it went on and on for a bit. Finally, someone freed the poor bastard from his predicament.

Now, I would normally commend Phil for not even whimpering once through what had to be a bit of a painful ordeal. However, I suspect that he was simply too dumb to register pain.

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Over the weekend, I received the following bizarre tweet :

millXna_pQrple @ElCliff76 RT JXHeartattack: You’ll be ight lol RT _caLILYenteDK Dude my body is so sore // whatever!!!!!!! Lol

There was also a link at the end…somehow I fought down the desire to go to a link sent by some complete stranger possibly trying to type 16 different languages at one time.

Now, I DID look up the Twitter profile of millXna_pQrple (More weird consonants than the average Polish name). Allow me to share some of my findings.

iMDATFREAK smh that’s cus ur old lol // *hits unfollow button* <- and I’m mean? Lol

over it yet? & I agree btw=] RT Hamdanism 3ayzaAtgawez is exggerated but that’s the point of the show

I don’t know what to make of these scrawlings. Is it a foreign language? Is it EVERY foreign language mashed together? Maybe Special Needs Jimmy got his hands on the keyboard somewhere?

I feel like one of those European explorers finding an African tribe for the first time…you know, without all that ‘racism’ and ‘slavery’ nastiness. Perhaps that babbling mess is what clicks and whistles looked like when transcribed? And with that line, I think we can amend the part about without all the racism…

Even more interesting, this person follows NO ONE. Do they just randomly hurl their nonsense in to the ether of the Internet, typing up random possible Twitter names and seeing what sticks? Is it a desperate last ditch ploy for friends, but the pill bottles are sitting open and ready on the desk next to the plastic bottle of shitty whiskey to wash them down? Their only followers are someone speaking Portuguese, a spammer and someone who apparently lives in ‘bieberland’. That part doesn’t so much surprise me…after all, this poor bastard’s name is apparently Kit. Was daddy a rabid Knight Rider fan?

Anyway, I have come up with a theory. This person isn’t even a PERSON. We are witnessing the first, fumbling attempts at contact from…

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